Rich Aunties will be just fine

After reading Essence magazine’s piece on Rich Aunties, I did the usual standard agreement share, repost routine on the social media in agreement. Moments later I got a DM from someone who was following my page and commented:

“That rich auntie article is lightweight crazy lol. Cuz at the end of the day white america and European society wants to completely end the black race so it’s like capitals providing a way to make that happen by making loneliness seem good because women are allotted funds to splurge on themselves and live a life consumed with mostly self-focus but who’s going to take care of these aunties when they’re old and need help doing the stuff. The nursing homes???? lol yeah wild articleLets have this discussion more parents as we all age need to face a reality that there will be a time when your children come of age, they may not take care of you. This may not be everyone’s reality but it’s becoming more and more real every day.”

To which I replied: “I don't think I'm the right person for that argument. But thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.”

Then, a colleague and former classmate of mine wrote an Op-ed about her experiences with fertility treatments and weight shaming that she experienced. A touching story about her journey and the yearning for motherhood met with an online troll response:

“How much money is being made offa self-indulgent women deciding too late to want a baby because they dgaf when they were yass-kweening for decades and are now still too indulgent to get in the proper shape to do so? We women today need more discipline!”

My colleagues response was a lot less polite than mine.

The “Rich Auntie” life doesn’t mean I’m financially rich.

It means auntie is living a rich and full life.

Both instances strike me in different ways. The first is questioning the value as a woman for choosing not to have children. The other is questioning a woman who lives a rich and valuable life with a step child, a husband and the yearning to become a birth mother in her own time.

Both circumstances met with derision from strangers who have no idea what either of us experienced that lead us to make the choices that we did. Both instances, having assholes, in an inventive way telling us who we are supposed to be in the eyes of a world that already could give two shits about our existence. Both assume that women are required to exist only in the service of creating only life, giving nothing more than a nubile body to bring forth the next generation of nubile bodies.

The comment I received is rooted in the assumption that one day when the parents have reached the age when they are no longer able to care for themselves that their children will take them into a beautifully decorated home and their children will dutifully spoon feed them sweet potatoes until they cross over into the ancestor plane. The problem with that vision is that some of our ancestors weren’t the best people living and probably aren’t much use when you say your prayers either. There’s a reason why we now have phrases like “generational trauma”.

The other issue I have is many parents don’t see themselves and who they were to their children in those formative years.

Some of our parents were not great people who did horrible things to other people, including their own children. Some of our aging parents hold on to the reins so tight and so long making it very difficult for them to be cared for. Sure, honor thy mother and thy father but also remember that our parents were people just like us.

Maybe our parents had us before they were allowed to experience their full selves or to realize that they might be too self indulgent to have children, whether in that moment or ever.

There’s this limiting notion that women are not supposed to experience love or make mistakes. Wouldn’t you want an auntie for your daughter to look up to, who understands body autonomy? An auntie who has enough in savings to spend a weekend showering your children the potential of eating at a restaurant that doesn’t come in a paper bag? You don’t want someone who encourages your sons to look out for and cares for women who walk through the world alone?

Aunties will be just fine. Go figure out why you’re not okay with that.